Serious thinking.

Now it's already 3.38am and i still dont feel sleepy at all. If he's to know that i'm still not sleeping yet, he's gonna get angry with me, but who cares. =p Had a few things in mind, decided to blog about it when it still fresh in my mind.

Have a short chat with my eldest sis when she drove me home the other day, when i tell her how much i want to go back to school, cause the long holidays are driving me mad. She was glad to hear that and it just slipped off her mouth. She actually took my chinese characters for some fortune-telling and she told me that among the 3 daughters. I'm the only one who is mend for studies, and he recommend me to study as much as i can. I was laughing when i heard that.. ME?? ME?? ahhaha the greatest joke i ever heard. When i heard that, i started to think about my future. What should i do after university, after getting my degree in Computing. What should i do? Should i continue with my Masters? or should i study Business Admin( actually that was what i wanted to study)?? Or should i just get a job and be satisifed with it Or worked for my parents? I have totally no idea 'bout it. I'm those kind of person who do last minute thinking and always have that dont-care attitude. 2 more years, i will have finished my studies and i think i really need to find my path.. I really need to know what i should do if not i bet my mummy will decide for me. I wrote this blog to remind myself time and time again that i need to decide and face the truth.

Suddenly i feel like getting away from here. I want to study abroad. I want to be independent! Of course i know actions are bigger than words but i really dread thinking about it.
Asked my sis so what if i further study , what can i do after that. "After that you will know what you want " I hope so.

Then she continued telling what that fortune-teller told her about the other family members. Knowing that my both nieces will be doing well, i'm glad to hear that. But when i hear about what might happen to the other member, i ............. . Didnt know how to express that feeling, i just have to take note about it. And i already start to feel it. It's only a matter of time, the thing will just burst out unknowingly, and that's it. I will just have to be extra careful with it.

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The other day, i was chatting with my elder sis. hahahaha had been chatting with my sisters ah, ahhaha, it's nice to be their listening ear. Just when she was telling how she wished she had another baby, she broke out a news to me. And i was so damn shocked by that news. She had been keeping it to herself for more than 2 years and now that i'm the only one who knows it. And i am not supposed to leak that out. That was the last thing i could ever think of. Now i understand why my sis behave like this and why she had changed through out these years. Even my eldest sister noticed this change but she doesnt know why. I'm not sure whether is this right ? I didnt know how to comfort her when we were chatting over msn. I couldnt see her, i dont know how she feels, i dont know what to do. I only know i have to keep it to myself and I hope by doing this, i am sharing the burden with her, i hope she can get over it and hope everything will be fine.

When i heard about it, im just shocked but i dont feel anything. It was just a great blow and and dont know how to react to it. Now while i'm typing this, i can feel it. So terrible. I cannot imagine. If i'm in her shoes, i wont know what to do. Ah.... Shit!. Damn shitty. If this ever happened to me, i think i would have done what she had done too.. Shit.

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Everyone have their own problems. Problems which they cant solve . Problems which they cant share, even if they can be shared, they had to be shared with right person. It doesnt mean that once you shared them, u will get the solution to it. It might just bring more problems.
It's never-ending.

I cried over this problem twice. I dont know whether the tears are real. Or i cried for the sake of it, or i cried cos i'm supposed to cry. I dont know. I dont know. I really dont know.
How to be true to my feelings? I dont know!!

Life is like a heap of Shit! Fuck